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The Salesman
by Wayne Scheer
"Trust me," the salesman said. "This is the television set you want to buy."
I knew the only sentence worse than that might be life imprisonment, but I hadn't bought a TV in twenty years and didn't know what HD stood for until a few minutes earlier. Now my eyes glazed as this kid, who probably had Mommy listed on his speed dial, droned on about LED verses LCD backlighting, and why I needed at least a 1080 p and 240 hz.
Although I nodded knowingly, I'm sure he had me sized up as a technological ignoramus, an old man for whom a phone is just to make calls. I felt the urge to call for help.
"Place your hand on this screen. Feel that?"
"What am I supposed to feel?" I wondered if my 24" set with the blurry picture was good enough.
"Touch this screen." Now he walked to another set, two hundred dollars cheaper. "Feel the difference?"
"This one's warm."
"Aha." He sounded like I had postulated a major breakthrough in quantum physics. "Both sets have been on all day. Which one you think uses less energy?"
He stared at me until I said it. "The cool one."
"Right. This one'll save you money in the long run."
I tried calculating how many hours of television watching it might take to make up the two hundred dollar difference.
"And it's better for the environment," he said, interrupting me before I could speak.
Damn. How could I be against the environment?
"This set," he brought me back to the more expensive one, "is ready to accept streaming videos from Netflix and it's even 3D ready."
I could just see myself sitting home alone wearing 3D glasses. I realized I had more problems than which television set to buy.
"You look like a man who likes sports."
Was it my geek glasses that gave it away or my round shoulders?
"There'd be motion blur if you watched NASCAR on that set, but this one would be clear as a bell."
I often wondered why people liked NASCAR and hated traffic, but I certainly didn't want motion blur.
He closed the deal when he arranged with his manager to take fifty dollars off the sale price.
"Now you'll just need a top of-the-line coaxil cable and our best surge protector, good for 90kA current, of course."
I knew I was being ripped off, but it beat having to deal with another salesman.
"Of course," I said.
